brings tears to my eyesssss
I am heading to New York City this coming week for NCORE and I am wondering if
(1) any of y’all will be there
(2) if you know of any good things to do while there, especially related to eating food. I’ll be stationed in the theater district, so err, let me know ya sassy things.
I am a human thing and this month has left me battered, sour, and restless.
I ache, for a future that is not this, not this, not this.
I would tell myself to reach out and connect and explore something other than all that you have known before.
my joints as glue and I shiver.
I am working towards making connections with others but I move slowly or not at all. I am weary of cismen in this moment, I am weary of old habits and desires. I try to deconstruct it.
a person who is a white straight male that has not yet cut his ties with rape culture is now a former friend due to his actions and words directed at me and my partner because I did not want to have sex with him. I had previous conversations with my roommates about how uncomfortable I am with that person inhabiting my safe space/home. They both agreed and supported me as the person continued to deny responsibility for their actions as they were acting out of love thus their behavior was warranted. however, they were invited over by my roommates. When I voiced that I was uncomfortable with this and that we had an agreement and that it was my space too and I wanted to feel safe, I was told that I had ruined the party because he couldn’t come over. That I was being ridiculous, for we could create a system of movement so that when going outside or to my own bathroom or to my own kitchen or to my own living room, I didn’t have to run into a person who has sexually taken advantage of me. THIS IS NOT OKAY I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO FEEL UNSAFE IN MY OWN HOME. THIS IS NOT MY FAULT. YOUR BEHAVIOR IS TO BLAME, NOT MINE.
further, i got into my first car accident today when a car was taking a left turn into oncoming traffic and then slammed into my stationary car. my car is completely fucked but there were no injuries but for now, I have no vehicle and can only hope that person’s insurance was real.
also, my “e” key on my laptop only works if I press it three times in a row.
I GET TO CONTINUE IN MY ASL PROGRAM OH MY GOD I AM SEEPING JOY RIGHT NOW I AM SO HAPPY I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH SUCH JOYYYYYYY AHGHHHH
a qt who I had met a year or so ago just came up to me at work and lingered their body next to me. they have done this for a while now, engaging in polite yet, in my view, intimate questions. Today they have asked for my phone number after referencing the movies we could go to together multiple times.
At this point in the acquiring of a new friend I bite my tongue. for what of the self am I able to expose at this point? I hold so much of myself in a warm sense of shame that I do not want to risk the outcome of a conversation. I have been taught through my alcoholic home that I must keep many things hidden. That if people did know my truths, my reality, it is sure to result in danger. I cling to safety. fragile and immature; I run.
best friend
live in lover/ live in dog
all of my money
job security
the ability to continue in my asl interpreting program (this has not been finalized, but the test results are in and they do not look good)
I am so lost right now. I have no sense of self or reality.
any tumblr people going to ncore?
any tumblr people going to the nad conference?
I will be around for both and it’s always interesting to meet virtual figurines in human format.
boiling in anger. wish i had friends that would actually listen to me, not hit on me, not be racist. wish I had someone to help me get through shiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt
my partner moves out today. it is mutual and it is no breakup and his new house exists a block or so away.
but it still feels as if I am rotting from the inside out. hunched over, splintered and sick. As if my entity of self is being torn away. for seven, eight, months I have found my sleeping body up against skin. now my room rests as empty and heavily distorted.
